There's Gold in Them Thar' Hills!

Know what pisses me off about "The Hills"? Besides the fact that I'm a guy, and technically it's pretty gay that I watch "The Hills?" It's that it's reality television.

There is a persistent belief that reality television is, in fact, fake or scripted. Perhaps that is the case, and I doubt "The Hills" is in any way an exception (hello: Spenser and Heidi?), but there's a reason they call it "reality television." Not because it depicts any true reality (and, I'm sure I could get into a whole existential discussion about the "truth" of "reality"), but because the fakeness is of a questionable nature. There is clearly a scripted quality to the show -- such as Jason reappearing, not mentioning he has a girlfriend, and then announcing his engagement at his house-warming party. It's completely ludicrous to believe that he and Lauren would have ended up at the same restaurant as Spenser and Heidi (you know someone got a text saying they should go there).

And the obnoxiousness that is Heidi and Spenser is beyond compare. Is there a faker person than Spenser? Everything about him screams "I'm a douche-bag!" And not in a "I'm a suave, bad-ass douche-bag" -- no, he's a complete, dorkified, full-blown douche-bag. With ridiculous teeth and a face that begs for people to punch it.

He's corny.

Yet, Heidi sticks with him. Despite the fact that Lauren (in a kind of dick move, but at least she's honest) has hated on him from the get-go, meaning that Lauren and Heidi's friendship is over. Despite the fact that Heidi's family thinks it's a mistake, and has told her and Spenser -- numerous times -- that it's a bad idea. Most importantly, despite the fact that Spenser has yet to tell his parents that he's engaged to be married.

It's that last one that blows my mind. How can this not be fake? What girl would put up with that kind of nonsense. It's bad enough he doesn't have a job. It's bad enough he thought it would be cool with his fiance if he got a friend to do a graffiti mural on their living room wall (I'm a single guy, and I think that's fucking wack). But to propose marriage and never tell your parents? I don't get it. What's he trying to avoid or say with this? Moreover, once Heidi is aware of the fact, he still doesn't think it's all that imperative that he get on the horn and let his parents know they will soon have a daughter-in-law.

To me, that's insane. Not him not telling. That I can deal with, on one level or another. But who is this girl with no self-esteem that allows her entire life to fall to shambles and lets the cause of all her problems insult her by basically saying: the news of our impending marriage is not important enough to mention to my parents. That's crazy.

And yet, is it? Sure, it's a little weird how she doesn't seem to get mad at him, but I have a feeling people in a lot worse situations have gotten married. At least these two are pretty, B-list famous, and relatively wealthy. More to the point, this does not seem to be so out of line with what one could expect from certain girls.

For example: Audrina. Seemingly a cool chick (okay, I think she's hot, so she's "cool" in my eyes), and yet she's the most preposterous person when it comes to her relationships with guys. The most telling example of this is her interactions with Justin-Bobby (his name is Bobby, but he wants people to call him Justin; don't ask). This is a guy who is completely anti-social with everyone, including Audrina. At one point, they went on a trip to Vegas, and he ditched her there. As in, left her in Vegas, by herself. And she took him back.

Then, at a party they went to together, he leaves with another girl.

And she takes him back.

So the go to Vegas (again!) and all her friends hate him (because he's an anti-social dick), and she's practically willing to drop them all to be with him. In the end, she doesn't (kind of), but you could tell she wanted to.

Basically, she's a television camera away from being in a physically abusive relationship and convincing everyone that it's her fault. Hyperbole? Perhaps, but if this isn't a mentally abusive relationship, I'll . . . um, I'm not sure what I could "turn in," seeing I really don't have any credentials in this regard. Still, it certainly appears like a weak person being dominated by a strong person, and not in a sexy, leather-and-whips kind of way.

That's what makes me question the fakeness of this reality show. Because, as sad as the above situation is (because, like I said, she's pretty hot, and could probably find a guy who wouldn't treat her like crap), this is not something straight out of science fiction. This is a trope common throughout history. Chances are, you know someone like this. God knows I knew girls -- intelligent, beautiful girls -- who couldn't grasp that they were both going out with the same guy. Oh, they knew he was seeing the other girl (because the guy didn't try to hide it), but they each convinced themselves that "he really loves me." The bad boy thing is almost a biological inheritance from our more primitive ancestors.

So what if that also throws a lot of the Enlightenment out the window? This isn't a show for feminists, that's for damn sure. It's not about a woman's independence. Destiny's Child does not sing the theme song (Natasha Bedingfield does, a fairly conservative pop-star if there is such a thing). There is no political agenda with this show. Which means, of course, that the "reality," while faked, comes across as genuine, in an oddly perverted way.

So next time you watch "The Hills" -- and trust me, you should watch "The Hills;" Whitney's the shit -- remember that you are watching thousands of years of supposed human evolution getting shown the door. But you'll get to see it accompanied by L.C.'s all-purpose raised eyebrow (It's a question! It's approval! It's incredulity! It's everything and nothing and deserves it's own show!).

If you don't have a half-hour to spare for that, than maybe you ought to check how "real" your life is.